Twenty Two

It seems as if it was yesterday, that I first walked in to sixth form. The excitement of finally going into the world of adults, the excitement of learning and experiencing something new. I was ready to face the world and be myself, not grow up, live my dreams. It was yesterday that I gave my first speech, the first time I stood up and spoke in front of others, gave people a small peak into my mind.

Learning what it meant to finally tell the world, YES this is me. Come on, bring it on!

It was yesterday that I started working in student activism, being an active citizen living the life of a responsible. It was yesterday that I realized if I am just crazy enough, if I am just mad enough. I will, I can change the world. It was yesterday that I went to America and lived my great big adventure, met so many new people and become part of something greater than that I ever was.

It was yesterday that I first fell in love, truly and absolutely, completely and with pure abandon. I closed my eyes and three years passed with out me noticing. It was yesterday that I wrote my first blog ever. It was yesterday that I got into university and started studying science, learning about the incritsies of the world. The small details the magic that makes us, us. It was yesterday for the first time in my life, my intellect did not keep up and it was yesterday that  I for the first time in my life tasted failure.

It was yesterday that I got into a fight with my parents over every last single detail that I ever got into a fight with them about. It was yesterday that I suffered heart ache, pain beyond belief, sleepless nights. It was yesterday that I had to start over from scratch and try to set my life straight.

It was yesterday that...I grew up. I grew up and I didn't realize, it is today that I realize that. I am old, I grew up.

Do not take me wrong, this is not entirely a bad thing, rather it is change, and we must embrace change, but when it comes at you at such a rate. So sudden that you do not know what is happening anymore, that is when you wake up. Cruel reality comes knocking at your door and you do not know what is going to happen now.

I failed, I failed at so much this year, I failed university, I lost so many close friends, me just a year ago would have cried and sat in a corner waiting for all of it to go away. I would have just at down and done nothing about it.

What did  I do now? Well I looked what was wrong and started from there.

I started a new course, I failed? There is nothing to do about it, lets start from scratch, I found something that I love doing and decided to focus as much as I can on it and build what ever I can from that.

I am once more heart broken, I am in pain, terrible pain yes but, I know it will go away. For once I am not being told that I just need time, I am telling myself its ok, soon enough you will find someone else who you will be enthralled by and you will try your best to be with them. It is the course of life, it is how it goes.

Yet with all of this I miss that magic, the magic I had the will I had. The iron will and determination that I knew I could beat the world if I just tried hard enough. Disillusioned maybe, perhaps insane, yet  I was happy. My dear grandpa, who I look up to so much always tells me, I envy your positivism.  You never seem to give up, what ever comes your way you some how try to find the good in it.

Perhaps that was me, now I do not know anymore, perhaps now I understand why Grandpa and my parents always told me what they did. I do not hate them anymore, I do not despise them for shutting down my dreams. I understand and appreciate what they have told me. For it is what they have and are experiencing their life.

LIFE

GETS BORING.

Why? Well we can now start at some point in life, maturity, be able to tell the changes that happen around us and predict what is going to happen. We have all noticed that if you put your finger and run it across a knife you will get cut. That is when we start living our life judging the future from our past, building on what we had.

Not on what we can be not on what we can do, but on what has happened.

My parents always tell me that when they were at my age they had figured out what they wanted to do with their life. They ask me time and time again, what is your plan. I tell them I want to live, I want to be able to enjoy life to the full and be able to survived. I do not want to live my life chained to anyone place.

Well I tell them, that was my line. now what is my line  I do not know, it is something else.

I am looking, still looking, one thing I know I still have my dreams and my hopes and aspirations. Those will never burn out, those will stay with me for as long as I can hope to be.

The world is large place, if there is anything that I have learnt however, once you stop looking, that is when you will find everything.

So I gave you all a rant, for what reason?

Does there have to be a reason?