People

They come,

Always talking,                      never
Always running,                    stopping

Smiling together,                                    crying
Dancing in pairs,                                    alone

Watching movies,                                               standing
Eating meals,                                                      separated

They go.

Photo by Oscar Keys.

Steps and Echos

It's been a while since I blogged have been enjoying my new found freedom significantly if you could say. Been a while so I decided to talk a walk for some inspiration.

Chilly night and son warm whiskey in my stomach while walking in the middle of the road on a night where the roads are filled with half drunken and fully drugged people.

Alex you are an effing genius.

Hahaha

Oh man, you know the best part, and trust me, it's bloody beautiful l. The view is spectacular. Right now I got Coldplay playing in my head while watching a dtsrrt night packed with stars. I'm would say one of the charms of being in Gozo.

Yes peeps I like you so much that I am spending time typing this moment down to share it with you.

How do I best describe this?

Magical, although that wouldn't even begin to explain what I am feeling right now. It's a moment of pure calm and serenity.

Again as serene as a place can be in Gozo on carnival weekend but, one must enjoy themselves enough.

I must say I am lucky seeing a shooting star in this time of the year is hard and rare. Yet I happen to be lucky to see the passing moment as a piece of space, or if you want to be poetic about it a piece of star dust. Flys and starts descending to Earth burning in a moment of pure and absolute beauty.

If you are an old fart with no love for poetry you could say some space junk was incinerated and we have less space junk left in the atmosphere.

And with that I let you be to this night.

posted from Bloggeroid

Cooking

It is slowly becoming like a drug, putting the pan on the fire, slowly drizzling in oil and hearing the sizzle of the onions hitting the pan. Slowly releasing a beautiful aroma, driving your taste buds insane.

That is my new old hobby I guess, I saw this photo and it just made me want to share with you just some simple words on how amazing cooking is. It has become my alone time, slowly I began experimenting, and more of then than not failing miserably with tastes far to pungent and sauces which made your mouth burn in agony. Let alone your internal system, if you know what I mean.

Then a year and a half later, I got some people (Yes I am looking at you guys from common room) people hassle me to make curried tuna dips and aubergine  mash. While they labeled me the food guy, (Kinda sounds cool I guess).

BUT anyways

here

is

food!

Canned Tuna

Canned food, wonderful creation is it not? It stays there, retaining its relative tastiness for years on end. (Compare canned tuna and fresh tuna after 2 years and see which one is the more appetizing one).

However in the end, it has one thing, uniformity, its the same, some imperfections, some different brands. Yet at the heart of the matter its essentially the same copy. Why am I talking about canned tuna? Is it because I just ate one which left me moderately dissatisfied, but i convinced myself that it was the tastiest healthiest cheapest thing that I could carry around with me? Perhaps.

Or is it because recently my Facebook has been filled with the non stop posting about the deaths of famous people, may they rest in peace, with the 'Earthquake' that managed to shatter broadband across the country with people posting about how amazing it was. In the words of a friend of mine, hunting likes by posting about the earth quake  came in three shocks, the earthquake itself, the people making fun of the fact everyone was panicking and then the people telling the people to shut up. 

Then of course the deaths of so many famous people, who so many people are a fan of, who SO many more people became a fan of.  The point is, it turned people into canned food, canned food that cannot be any different than what it is similar. There is canned tuna, mackerel and even canned lobster ravioli (the things you find in the local grocery store are strange, varied and outright incredible.) The fact however remains, we have become easily categorized into pre-determined groups, labels, myself included.  

How did this happen? In an age that we have unlimited access to one of the vastest seas of knowledge that we ever have had. The internet, the websites we use them (again I am guilty as hell of this) for simply going though countless hours of scrolling though posts on Facebook which I have already seen. Watching YouTube trailers again and again and again, the same effect that opening the fridge once was, you open it thinking of finding something nice to eat. You then close it and open it again, only thing changing is your expectations of what you can find.

The internet, the age of information, has done something which it was not ment to do. It was ment to connect us, to help us broaden our minds, and yet it is managing to change us into identical copies, millions following fashion trends, hundreds of thousands listen to what a few people say and do what they are told. Those few people, are strong enough to for a small period of time express themselves, but then they also crash and burn.

However, we still do not understand how big and how strong the internet can be, we use it with out learning how to. We dive head deep into an ocean that is filled with a wealth of information that more often than not scares us. This is when we end up sticking to what we know, and just to that, creating our thought bubble and keep it solidly in place. 

Because as humans, what are we more afraid than anything else, we are afraid of what we do not know.

What am I saying in my long ramble?

Ask Google next time. 

He knows the answer to your question.

Yet is your question the correct one?

Dreams.

Dreams come,

They come from anywhere

Shadows from a memory distant past,

a fleeting breeze.

Perhaps a beam of light

hitting the window at an angle.

We do not know 

but everyday we try to make 

our dreams

into reality,

We live to make things occur,

We live to change,

morph

evolve

the world around us

make it 

ours

leave

our

print

When we do not,

When we ignore our dreams,

We start decaying inside

We feel the pain

Because we fight something that should be

Because we fight what we have to do.

This is why dreams

must

never 

be

forgotten. 

Day by Day

Waking up in the morning, thinking of only one thing. Trying to find a reason to get out of bed. Thinking, yea suicide that's a cool thing you could do, but you know it's not you, rather it's one small part of you which is dominant.

By the time you get out of the house, you already had your first panic attack, you have already suppressed the urge to scream at your toothbrush and at the same time merrily skip while making your coffee. It's all normal for you, yet you know if someone saw you, and just asked what was happening? You would not know how to answer that.

You get to university, in a merry mood, listened to some nice music and managed to clear your mind. However, that lecturer is droning on, and it's all wrong, all of it the way he is speaking, the way she is writing, the way that person is sitting down. I promise I am not insane, but these are things that one notice when they become hyper aware.

Controlling these mood swings, yea it's possible very easy in fact. It is simply understanding that this is just an irrational thought passing through your head. Yet, you are scared, constantly scared of letting a little tiny bit of it outside, because the moment you get too comfortable, the moment you allow yourself to become open just enough to show those around you.

YOU ARE LUCKY, if you just get a puzzled look. I have had people stop talking to me, suggest I go see help, or simply take medicine, you freak of nature. Well you want to know one thing, it's not easy, it's not easy keeping it all inside, it's not easy holding in your thoughts. Feeling that you cannot belong anywhere, lost and lonely in a crowd of friendly people. Putting on masks for people so they like you, only showing them what they want to see. This is where one person stops trusting others, this is where one person becomes scared of being who they are.

This is because who they are is scary to those around them. The closest friends, family to that person do not understand is that, it's hell a terrifying having someone else inside with you. It’s a sad and lonely world not being able to be who you feel that you need to be. Yes I understand sometimes it gets over the top, but a simple “hey calm down” is enough to tell me that yes this is getting too much. Let us take it down a notch.

I am not alone, I am that one crazy enough to not care about what people think. I am strong enough to stare you back in the face and tell you hell, you think i'm crazy, you're right. I am not normal, hence I am labeled as crazy, I am unusual so I get stigma.

I am struggling with depression, anxiety and mood swings . Yet I am not alone, I reach to others, I talk to others and I tell them of my struggles and they help me. Unfortunately, I am one of few. Where am I going with this, I am here to tell you how it feels to be inside this mind, a prison of its own rights. I am telling you, do not label someone crazy, talk to them. They just might need that feeling that they belong.

Humans of Common Room 2016

LET ME POSE!

Beta Psi ventures into coffee making.

Swagilisious.

Focus young one.

Its ALIVE!

ROCK ON!

I WANT TO BE FREE

Nothing to see here.

YES I AM STUDYING!

I will eat your soul.

Rare moment when Paki is awake.

Chunky going at it.

why are we even here.

GOOD BYE!

Exam Rambling

I have finally joined the rank of the drug addicts of history, it is simple, so simple, we are started off slowly, when we are young, not given a choice, not given a chance to redeem ourselves.

We are forced to start doing exams, more and more exams, so many exams, to many exams. Then we look for some supplement, to keep our brains going. Dark in them middle of then night, making sure we have something to work on, to build on. Time to live.

That is when we are first given. COFFEE.

The hilarity of it, coffee as amazing as it is. People must understand that in the morning when you have your coffee, the reason you start feeling so amazing and so brilliantly beautiful. Is not because you are being eneregised. No for that you need a quadruple espresso with a side of Americano. No the reason is because you have, successfully warded off the withdrawal effect of all the coffee which you had ingested the day before.

After your second coffee, usually a few minutes after the first you brain starts to crave more.

Already? We just drank a little tiny bit more, are you not happy dear brain cells?

Well, that was a short and sweet ramble that I had after I pampered myself with the second bout of beautiful coffee at 01:15am.

GOOD DAY PEOPLE OF EARTH.

Waxing

It has been a while since I wrote something other than random pieces of poetry. Which is weird I have not really felt the need to write, and if I started writing something randomly for no reason at all well. Does not feel right does it?

The other reason why I do not seem to be writing a lot is because I always get the best ideas just before I got to sleep. Which just because I really am finding it difficult to get to sleep I just say well ill write about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow never comes, sooooo last night I just went a head and made an alarm and just now it went off and hence here I am writing.

The title well, I was thinking why we keep enduing small amounts of painful things or uncomfortable things for a long period of time rather than get it done and over with. Where am I going with this? I mean I am currently spending days trig to find some form of motivation to study or get material in my head but it takes ages for me to even start focusing and let alone the effort which it takes for me to keep focused.

The thing is if I get it done and over with I feel amazing, I can then relax and have, you know the rest of the day free.

Taking an other example it is really funny, I mean we all went there, having that person or those people in your life. That habit, or thing which you know is not making you happy but you go, but if I am with out it I am worse of.

Truth be told you will be better off and you know it. You will be better off if you do a little bit of training every day. You will hold yourself from that extra bar of chocolate, see the doctor. Or simply break it off with that person who has been draining your energy or emotions.

The question which is really puzzling me and that I do not know why, myself included that is, why do we keep hanging on to false hope, to that thread of sometimes imagination.

That it will get better.

Experience has more often than not showed us other wise, yet we keep on believing that something will turn right if we try hard enough. The very definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over against expecting a different result.

Perhaps, but what I think I have been doing wrong, just though of it while writing this, man I really should write more its therapeutic almost. Side tracked.

WHAT if we do the same thing, just slightly differently, work in a different way do the things we want, painful, annoying or those that slow us down, just so slightly differently. Maybe hey the only factor you needed to change was maybe how you see exams. Or changing the subject rather than working your way though the last bit of work in a false attemept or strike at hope to be able to reach the end.

In the end it is all perception.

Music

It burns,

it cries

Yelling

Screaming

Moaning

Crying

Laughing

Dancing

Its cold

yet hot

passion

dead

empty

full

alive or dead

no one knows, its a song

a track, a soul

a piece of imagination

a string of sounds

placed one after an other, dancing together in a matrix of

matter

moving

up

down

sideways

left

right

right and left

yet these sounds,

these movements

we listen to,

reverberating into the abyss that is space,

ending, when nothing starts

a complex mesh of memories

we strang together

so we can remind ourselves of times past

of times to happen

or just simply

that we are indeed alive.

The curb

I was sitting,
bathing in the cold moon light.

The street lamps damping the light
fresh and cold
emotionless
flooding the streets around me.

Yet I was sitting there,
smoking my cigarette,
sipping my beer.

The children were talking,
playing behind me

the streets were filled with their
laughter
the thud of the ball
hitting bouncing

I still sat,
in a world of my own
ignoring the reality

building around me
what I wanted comfort.

as I waited for the onslaught
of my inner daemons to hit
a wall
hit me.

They came
my troubles

my daily deeds,
my daily troubles,
my work,
my studies,

but at that moment
the world stood still

but for the smoke rising from
my cigarette but
and the crumpled beer can falling

in the bin

the world stood still
and  I could get back up
from

my moment of isolation
my moment to myself

I was ready to get back at it.

Rain

Heavy... Pressure... Beating, holding down. Holding your breath, Remembering the day I first jumped Feeling the anticipation Feeling the air rush by So slow So fast Breathing Holding Ice Cold Water Moving around, enveloping You sink Deeper Deeper You start losing Breath Air Stop Swift Strokes Open Eye Burning pain You see the light though a haze of red and blue You move Running out of air. Till the surface is Broken Yet I am Dry How am I still drowning?

Arts Festival!

This is something that I do not usually do, since I have a tendency to write after something has happened, and give a full recount of what is happening then this happened.

My nose led me to what I believed to be Chicken wings, do not judge me! However I found much much more, there was everything, music, food, CAKES! Yet the best thing of all was not these things was the fact that there was such a warm atmosphere, a hustle and bustle that is rarely seen at the University of Malta.

THEN all over you can find a large number of items, pieces of art, clothing and many small treats (the cakes tempted me a slight bit to much). Go explore and tell me what you think of this experience, which comes from when a large number of student organisations are able to get together and work for a common aim as seen by the large number of organisations who joined in this event.  (JEF, DESA, TDM2000, ASCS, HOASA and USPA.)

Take this chance to bask a bit in the last dregs of sun before winter fully sets in and we are all coped up inside studying for our exams, so let us enjoy our days at university and get some good Christmas Cheer on!

For more details look up the Facebook event, this is going on till tonight late.

Facebook Event: Found Here

The Night, The Moon and The Sun

It's a full moon,

Time has passed 

And once again

the world is flooded

in 

silver

The night,

such a beautiful

reflection of the 

sun

is

it?

The moon, 

for me is much more,

a full moon

is the light at the 

end of

the tunnel

why so?

is our life not?

A life under the sun?

A life of pleasure and serenity?

of

course,

yet we have stories,

heard all of the pains,

the troubles we live

the light at the

end of 

the tunnel

what is that light 

but the moon,

the full moon in 

all of its glory

the moon

a reflection of 

something much greater 

than itself,

giving hope 

in the darkest 

of 

our life

the light at the end 

gives us the will

to go on 

to 

never

stop fighting

for what we believe

in 

for what we care

about

That is why for me

the moon

is the best part of my day

A friend who once a month

reminds me 

that magic can truly exist

that I can be who I am

that what ever is happening

good 

or

bad

life goes on

and all you have to do 

is take a deep 

breath

and live the

now.

Gabiel Santiago from Unsplashed

The nymph's dance

She dances a dance unlike any other,

For her the music is the world,

A unique world,

Her world.

None can see what she sees,

None can hear what she hears,

Dancing under the rain,

With the Winds

Jumping into rays of sun,

Swirling atop waves.

Her beauty is hidden,

For only a few to see,

Even those who glimpse

The world she walks

is not the world we walk

she lives

apart from us

however it has been my pleasure

dancing with her

while she visited us

Lamentation of Love

I'll be honest,
All that,
I ever asked.

Was to be loved,
Not by you,
Nor them.

No, I wanted to,
be
Loved.

Why me?

Becuase,
I love with,
Abaddon,

Reckless,
Pure,
Dangerous,
Love.

I want to feel,
This,
Love.

I want it,
to come,
to me,

But,
It does not,
Yet,

This drives me more.

To Love,
Harder,
Stronger.

Thus,
I grow,
Empty
I am draining,

Slowly turning,
into an
empty shell,

of,
sadness,
despair,

I feel alone,
not because,
I am.

No.

Because no one,
is willing to
love me.

With, The same,
The same, Passion,
The same, Desire.

So,

I learnt to,
Steal,
this Love.

Every Hug,
Every Kiss,
Every bit of warmth,

Allows me,
To move,
Forward.

Because if,
I do not,
I will die.

Inside,

Become a ghost,
Perhaps,
a Vampire.

Maybe I am,
Already one,
Burning in the sunlight.

but,

How can I know,
for the one thing,
I do not see.

is

Myself. 

Twenty Two

It seems as if it was yesterday, that I first walked in to sixth form. The excitement of finally going into the world of adults, the excitement of learning and experiencing something new. I was ready to face the world and be myself, not grow up, live my dreams. It was yesterday that I gave my first speech, the first time I stood up and spoke in front of others, gave people a small peak into my mind.

Learning what it meant to finally tell the world, YES this is me. Come on, bring it on!

It was yesterday that I started working in student activism, being an active citizen living the life of a responsible. It was yesterday that I realized if I am just crazy enough, if I am just mad enough. I will, I can change the world. It was yesterday that I went to America and lived my great big adventure, met so many new people and become part of something greater than that I ever was.

It was yesterday that I first fell in love, truly and absolutely, completely and with pure abandon. I closed my eyes and three years passed with out me noticing. It was yesterday that I wrote my first blog ever. It was yesterday that I got into university and started studying science, learning about the incritsies of the world. The small details the magic that makes us, us. It was yesterday for the first time in my life, my intellect did not keep up and it was yesterday that  I for the first time in my life tasted failure.

It was yesterday that I got into a fight with my parents over every last single detail that I ever got into a fight with them about. It was yesterday that I suffered heart ache, pain beyond belief, sleepless nights. It was yesterday that I had to start over from scratch and try to set my life straight.

It was yesterday that...I grew up. I grew up and I didn't realize, it is today that I realize that. I am old, I grew up.

Do not take me wrong, this is not entirely a bad thing, rather it is change, and we must embrace change, but when it comes at you at such a rate. So sudden that you do not know what is happening anymore, that is when you wake up. Cruel reality comes knocking at your door and you do not know what is going to happen now.

I failed, I failed at so much this year, I failed university, I lost so many close friends, me just a year ago would have cried and sat in a corner waiting for all of it to go away. I would have just at down and done nothing about it.

What did  I do now? Well I looked what was wrong and started from there.

I started a new course, I failed? There is nothing to do about it, lets start from scratch, I found something that I love doing and decided to focus as much as I can on it and build what ever I can from that.

I am once more heart broken, I am in pain, terrible pain yes but, I know it will go away. For once I am not being told that I just need time, I am telling myself its ok, soon enough you will find someone else who you will be enthralled by and you will try your best to be with them. It is the course of life, it is how it goes.

Yet with all of this I miss that magic, the magic I had the will I had. The iron will and determination that I knew I could beat the world if I just tried hard enough. Disillusioned maybe, perhaps insane, yet  I was happy. My dear grandpa, who I look up to so much always tells me, I envy your positivism.  You never seem to give up, what ever comes your way you some how try to find the good in it.

Perhaps that was me, now I do not know anymore, perhaps now I understand why Grandpa and my parents always told me what they did. I do not hate them anymore, I do not despise them for shutting down my dreams. I understand and appreciate what they have told me. For it is what they have and are experiencing their life.

LIFE

GETS BORING.

Why? Well we can now start at some point in life, maturity, be able to tell the changes that happen around us and predict what is going to happen. We have all noticed that if you put your finger and run it across a knife you will get cut. That is when we start living our life judging the future from our past, building on what we had.

Not on what we can be not on what we can do, but on what has happened.

My parents always tell me that when they were at my age they had figured out what they wanted to do with their life. They ask me time and time again, what is your plan. I tell them I want to live, I want to be able to enjoy life to the full and be able to survived. I do not want to live my life chained to anyone place.

Well I tell them, that was my line. now what is my line  I do not know, it is something else.

I am looking, still looking, one thing I know I still have my dreams and my hopes and aspirations. Those will never burn out, those will stay with me for as long as I can hope to be.

The world is large place, if there is anything that I have learnt however, once you stop looking, that is when you will find everything.

So I gave you all a rant, for what reason?

Does there have to be a reason?

Dublin | Airbnb 2

Post Number 3, wuhuuuu

so what are we talking about now, oh yes before I forget.

The next few hours were covered with lectures from a number of people who were focused on showing us the amazingness of Airbnb, and why working there even though working there meant working over 50-60 hours per week. Was the best thing that ever happened to them.

Now lets analyse this part by part, they kept showing us statistics, showing us how large the company has grown and how nice the company is to them. The only problem I have had with this that we had three speakers, all of the m amazing and very energetic people who know what they are doing.

Or do they?

We had them speak to us one after the other, yet when it came down to it, we had 45 minutes of the hour we had with everyone with the same numbers or very slight differences. We had them speaking to us about how they are being treated by the company.

Mind you they are treated like kings, they get a free mac book, they get food given to them at the work place, some of the best coffee (we covered this before). They get a masseuse every month, and they share recourses. They are given everything they need so that they do not feel bad living in the work place. This shows that they company managed to create an environment that their workers are willing to work for far longer and not feel the need to go home and rest.

At the same time, when they all spoke, I got the same feeling form all of them. What the hell am I doing right now. The whole company the whole structure, just has a feeling of being brand new. Like when you get your new phone and you still do not know what the button does. Or how to make it play music, or simply take a screen shot.

That's the feeling I got from Airbnb, its a brand new flagship product launched in a fashion that not even the owners know how to use it yet. The potential, is incredible beyond anything we can yet imagine its a company with so much potential.

That is what I think Airbnb is.

Something that not even its founders know the possibilities of.

Dublin | Airbnb

The second day started with a lot of moaning and struggling to get out of bed. Shake off the hang over which was sticking to me like a sheet of duct tape. This was done by crawling into the shower, and have a nice long bath.

This did in fact make me miss a nice Irish breakfast, which I must say upset me significantly. However, what I really was looking forward to was the breakfast that was promised to me at Airbnb. Then followed up by the experience, something which I could never have excepted, however more on that later on.

FIRST LET ME TAKE A SELFIE!

This was on a random bridge me tring to level up my selfie taking skills.

Then lets enjoy some of the scenery.

This was from a bridge while crossing over into the business district it was honestly amazing.

Wait, I was talking about Airbnb here right. SORRY! Got sidetracked a bit, honestly so much was happening that it sort of got in the way a bit, anyway, so here is how it went.

You walk into this place, which looks like a pub, honestly. It had draught beer and everything really, a fully stocked pub. While we were registering we made friends with our tour guide and of course the first person to talk to us. While shaking hands vigorously with the suit of Armour which happened to be lying around randomly. 

Then the big shock.

Three whole stories of people, row after row of desks, open plan office. Not a single barrier between each worker, for someone from outside like I was it was complete chaos, the chaos that one finds when they enter a house. Yes you read right, they looked like a gigantic family of 450 or so people. The amount of white astounded me, and this is something that made me cringe a bit, the amount of Macs to be seen. Then I was told, that the company makes sure that every person gets a Mac book, the moment they come in the building. They are given anything and everything they need. 

There is no me in the building there is us. 

Us, included the people who visited, we were waved at welcomed as if it was nothing. People made way for us, gave us space, directed us, opened doors. This was just insane, how amazing the place was.

After climbing to the top of the building we where given some of the most amazing breakfast I ever had. Fresh food, available buffet style, open for everyone, drinks, coffee anything you want available for you.

This is just a small drink area. (sorry for the bad photo I was rushing about)

It seems I might need to make this post into two since I have been just talking about the first few hours of the day. Then again there was so much to see and notice and comment about.

So with that I will leave you waiting for post number 3,

To be continued.

Dublin. Day one

So I arrived into the city though the airport, with my first though being.

Damn it's cold, but actually it's nice. This came after leaving Malta in sweltering heat, with temperatures rising up to 25-30 degrees due to Sun and humidity.

Anyway already tangenting, but yes my first thought. So I get out and meet Aneta who was going to the same place I was going. We get the bus and I get one of the loveliest trips though Dublin by night.

You know how usually you arrive to a country and you are like. $*@^/* WHERE AM I? HOW DO I GET THERE? /*#; $&#^

None of that, absolutely none of that. We arrived at the hotel (amazing hotel btw really bueatiful) Then that when I met with Matea, Pipiz and obviously the one and the only Mario. They are some of the most lovely people (and crazy) (I repeat bloody insane) I have met in a long time.

Since for most of us this was the first time in Dublin we went out hunting for a pint of Guinness. Man it was amazing, the night turned into a series of meet ups, dancing to Irish music or as a Brit once told me, Irish propaganda. Drinking (really expensive) beer, whisky and mead.

Then walking though the city at night, with Mario looking for beer (they so not sell beer after 10pm in non lisenced shops) and not finding anything.

When we got home. I know we where happy, and I knew I had just made some pretty amazing friends.

Dublin (1/3)

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