Day by Day

Waking up in the morning, thinking of only one thing. Trying to find a reason to get out of bed. Thinking, yea suicide that's a cool thing you could do, but you know it's not you, rather it's one small part of you which is dominant.

By the time you get out of the house, you already had your first panic attack, you have already suppressed the urge to scream at your toothbrush and at the same time merrily skip while making your coffee. It's all normal for you, yet you know if someone saw you, and just asked what was happening? You would not know how to answer that.

You get to university, in a merry mood, listened to some nice music and managed to clear your mind. However, that lecturer is droning on, and it's all wrong, all of it the way he is speaking, the way she is writing, the way that person is sitting down. I promise I am not insane, but these are things that one notice when they become hyper aware.

Controlling these mood swings, yea it's possible very easy in fact. It is simply understanding that this is just an irrational thought passing through your head. Yet, you are scared, constantly scared of letting a little tiny bit of it outside, because the moment you get too comfortable, the moment you allow yourself to become open just enough to show those around you.

YOU ARE LUCKY, if you just get a puzzled look. I have had people stop talking to me, suggest I go see help, or simply take medicine, you freak of nature. Well you want to know one thing, it's not easy, it's not easy keeping it all inside, it's not easy holding in your thoughts. Feeling that you cannot belong anywhere, lost and lonely in a crowd of friendly people. Putting on masks for people so they like you, only showing them what they want to see. This is where one person stops trusting others, this is where one person becomes scared of being who they are.

This is because who they are is scary to those around them. The closest friends, family to that person do not understand is that, it's hell a terrifying having someone else inside with you. It’s a sad and lonely world not being able to be who you feel that you need to be. Yes I understand sometimes it gets over the top, but a simple “hey calm down” is enough to tell me that yes this is getting too much. Let us take it down a notch.

I am not alone, I am that one crazy enough to not care about what people think. I am strong enough to stare you back in the face and tell you hell, you think i'm crazy, you're right. I am not normal, hence I am labeled as crazy, I am unusual so I get stigma.

I am struggling with depression, anxiety and mood swings . Yet I am not alone, I reach to others, I talk to others and I tell them of my struggles and they help me. Unfortunately, I am one of few. Where am I going with this, I am here to tell you how it feels to be inside this mind, a prison of its own rights. I am telling you, do not label someone crazy, talk to them. They just might need that feeling that they belong.

Crossroad after the other.

Coming to that fork in the road,

with no time to choose,

with no time to decide,

Yet all that which you worked for,

is balanced on top of that single,

moment.

Coming to that choice,

with no right or left,

just a cliff

A cliff which one must jump,

into murky waters,

far far below.

The jump is fun,

The jump is interesting,

The jump will bring change,

The jump will make one search.

The question is,

Will I have the guts to jump?

The Farce.

I have been trying to write this post for a while, I wanted to get an opinion and an unbiased one. I have given both parties a chance to help me decide. I have given both groups of candidates a chance to impress me, and convince me that I will follow them for an entire year. 

I am a person who has and will always be natural until convinced otherwise. I will always give a chance for someone to explain themselves. Last week I walked into quad, last week, and I felt as if I was walking into Mordor, I could feel the tension and energy building up. I could feel the energy growing, the organisations readying themselves for a battle.

I was disappointed. 

This is a one sided battle, a battle of one army, keeping in line with the Middle earth theme. SDM has delivered a campaign. A campaign aimed at showing what they can do, and what they did. They did a move which many people did not appreciate, but I agreed with full heartedly they pushed forward experience and stability. They gave us the choice of a team which has an all rounded energy. They touched all areas of university, representing those who are usually left out, letting in new groups and new people. While at the same time making sure that the best are there and they offer to serve us for another year.

You all know me, I am a voice amongst a million on the internet. I grumble and I complain, and even though I know it was not my yapping that pushed forward SDM to launch their manifest so much earlier. Yet they did, and since I am just one amongst thousands I felt heard, I felt listened to and respected. It has given me time to go over it at my own pace, and it has given me time to argue with them and discuss with them why, what and how.

I only mentioned one side because the other side is not offering anything new. Pulse have time and time again pushed forward ideas, they pushed forward energy. Yet the ideas are stale, they are short sighted and aimed at generating votes towards them, rather than building a KSU that all students deserve. They are aiming to push forward individual, candidates, using the Vote for me, I AM AWESOME! Tactic.

Being honest, this has been a very hard blog to write, I have been trying to be impartial and push forward an unbiased analysis of what is happening. Yet this is the sixth time that I am writing. I cannot defend a team of unexperienced candidates. They do not know how university works, they do not know how the system functions. They have some strong candidate’s as well, however they still do not cancel out the negativity that is being pushed forward.  

With that said:

There are 1 days left for the elections. So I will challenge both parties to pamper me, not with free beer, smoothies or Nutella goodness. I will ask them to pamper me with arguments, with discussions, about how and what they will be working and implementing in KSU, and above all else, why I should vote for them.