Cooking

It is slowly becoming like a drug, putting the pan on the fire, slowly drizzling in oil and hearing the sizzle of the onions hitting the pan. Slowly releasing a beautiful aroma, driving your taste buds insane.

That is my new old hobby I guess, I saw this photo and it just made me want to share with you just some simple words on how amazing cooking is. It has become my alone time, slowly I began experimenting, and more of then than not failing miserably with tastes far to pungent and sauces which made your mouth burn in agony. Let alone your internal system, if you know what I mean.

Then a year and a half later, I got some people (Yes I am looking at you guys from common room) people hassle me to make curried tuna dips and aubergine  mash. While they labeled me the food guy, (Kinda sounds cool I guess).

BUT anyways

here

is

food!

Dreams.

Dreams come,

They come from anywhere

Shadows from a memory distant past,

a fleeting breeze.

Perhaps a beam of light

hitting the window at an angle.

We do not know 

but everyday we try to make 

our dreams

into reality,

We live to make things occur,

We live to change,

morph

evolve

the world around us

make it 

ours

leave

our

print

When we do not,

When we ignore our dreams,

We start decaying inside

We feel the pain

Because we fight something that should be

Because we fight what we have to do.

This is why dreams

must

never 

be

forgotten. 

Day by Day

Waking up in the morning, thinking of only one thing. Trying to find a reason to get out of bed. Thinking, yea suicide that's a cool thing you could do, but you know it's not you, rather it's one small part of you which is dominant.

By the time you get out of the house, you already had your first panic attack, you have already suppressed the urge to scream at your toothbrush and at the same time merrily skip while making your coffee. It's all normal for you, yet you know if someone saw you, and just asked what was happening? You would not know how to answer that.

You get to university, in a merry mood, listened to some nice music and managed to clear your mind. However, that lecturer is droning on, and it's all wrong, all of it the way he is speaking, the way she is writing, the way that person is sitting down. I promise I am not insane, but these are things that one notice when they become hyper aware.

Controlling these mood swings, yea it's possible very easy in fact. It is simply understanding that this is just an irrational thought passing through your head. Yet, you are scared, constantly scared of letting a little tiny bit of it outside, because the moment you get too comfortable, the moment you allow yourself to become open just enough to show those around you.

YOU ARE LUCKY, if you just get a puzzled look. I have had people stop talking to me, suggest I go see help, or simply take medicine, you freak of nature. Well you want to know one thing, it's not easy, it's not easy keeping it all inside, it's not easy holding in your thoughts. Feeling that you cannot belong anywhere, lost and lonely in a crowd of friendly people. Putting on masks for people so they like you, only showing them what they want to see. This is where one person stops trusting others, this is where one person becomes scared of being who they are.

This is because who they are is scary to those around them. The closest friends, family to that person do not understand is that, it's hell a terrifying having someone else inside with you. It’s a sad and lonely world not being able to be who you feel that you need to be. Yes I understand sometimes it gets over the top, but a simple “hey calm down” is enough to tell me that yes this is getting too much. Let us take it down a notch.

I am not alone, I am that one crazy enough to not care about what people think. I am strong enough to stare you back in the face and tell you hell, you think i'm crazy, you're right. I am not normal, hence I am labeled as crazy, I am unusual so I get stigma.

I am struggling with depression, anxiety and mood swings . Yet I am not alone, I reach to others, I talk to others and I tell them of my struggles and they help me. Unfortunately, I am one of few. Where am I going with this, I am here to tell you how it feels to be inside this mind, a prison of its own rights. I am telling you, do not label someone crazy, talk to them. They just might need that feeling that they belong.

The Ramble

Well this is a very big post that I have been putting off months from posting. 

WELCOME TO MY NEW PAGE! 

Yes finally I have made a page and yes finally I have started posting in the name of #RoTM (get it trending people)

What better time to do it when I am basically already drowning in work :D 

Yet there is not a better time to do this then now, why?

Well lets start with the story that I have been putting off for so long, that well now its stale. Maybe I wanted it to be stale, maybe I wanted to escape from it, I have been  really running away from it.

I have been posting less on this blog, which was my mode to express myself, and that is because I did not know what to express about myself. I have just changed everything about me, yes the same old crazy Alex is still here inside waiting to burst out at every opportunity. 

Yet, I failed my degree, after four long years of hard work, gruelling hours of working on countless scientific theorems, learning fact after fact of material that I will now never be able to use. That is what I was thinking the day I found out I had failed. 

I was a failure, it is indeed an interesting feeling,  completely giving up in life, seeing the world as a vortex of darkness. In my head it was all the fault of this year, the dark year I wanted to dub it. Everything was going to go wrong, nothing will work out. 

Then I tried finding a job, guess what no luck. I mean who wanted to hire someone who has failed! Who wanted to find someone to pick up and train to do something. I did get an internship in SiTC, which I am really grateful for, however I knew it was not going to be enough. I needed a plan, I needed to get out of that vortex that was sucking me in. 

Then it started to happen, BOOM out of the blue, I was in ESN Malta, BOOM, I was elected the President, with a wonderfully crazy and energetic team. Head strong and ready to make a change, to make THE change, to rewrite the history of the organisation.

BOOM,

I was hired for a second internship, I am working with Konnekt Recruitment, the door way for me into the world of work. I am learning things which I would have never known before if it was not for Konnekt the people I work with, the environment, it is impossible to feel down in there. No one gives you a chance you always know you can get back up, admit that you did something wrong and keep on working to fix it. That is their mentality and it fills me to the brim with energy!

BOOM

Met new people, met new friends, I feel in love again, so crazily so instantly. Something which I had though I cannot, trusting someone with that spark of magic. Yet I was lost when I met her, the romantic in me gave in, not even a struggle. Yea sure it might not work out, but who knows! 

I am still 22, I am young and crazy, I am resourceful, as some friends put it, Unorthodox, Crazy and Dedicated. Yes that is what I am, some one who is not scared of trying out the new thing, someone who is not scared of being some one else, of working, of accepting his misatakes and moving on. 

Yes I am hard headed and it takes a while to get used to me, some people have personalities, I am a character (again quoting some of my dearest friends who love me so much :D )

Why should I hold myself back and hold back who I am? 

What does that result in?

It results in a lack of happnies from my part, it results in me escaping the reality, which is

I am Alex,

and I love to Ramble, doesn't come frequent, or regular, but it comes when it comes.

SO why was I upset that I cannot form the Facebook page. Because I was not posting enough? 

EVERY day is a story if I choose to share it, because I see the world though my eyes, and my eyes alone and you all see the world though your own eyes. So let us share our stories, some people share their stories though photos, others though speaking.

I Ramble.

SO Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, PEOPLE of all AGES

I 

GIVE

YOU

RAMBLINGS OF THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer: The Lost Girl!

So yesterday I was walking back home after one of the nicest burgers I had in a while. The Falafel burger at New York's Best blew my mind away, and no they did not pay me to give them this advert, although they are welcome to give me a free burger next time <3. But yes the burger was out of this world, never expected in a million years for it to be so good, especially since I am not a big fan of Falafel.

Anyway I digress, yes I was walking home, tired from a very long day ( I will get to that in an other blog post). While waiting on the bus stop I eyes a gorgeous girl, who was vividly lost and panicking, so like any good citizen I look at the ground and kept myself to myself. Something which I am ashamed of having done, because the poor girl then came up to me and started asking me directions in very fragmented english. She was sounding very panicked and kept trying to explain that she needed to get to Marsaxlokk, which was around 2 hours bus ride away, and since it was at the end of the day buses were not passing as frequently. Not to mention the insanity of Isle of MTV. 

Me feeling guilty of not having made the first step and tried to help her even though I realized she was in distress, I told her I will help you get there. I stayed talking to her and have a really wonderful conversation. That frankly put a lot of things into perspective for me.

I will not give you the details, however she was a foreigner who came to Malta so that she could find work. She had made a contract with someone back in her country allowing her to work in Malta for 4 euro 50 cents per hour. Something that she was over the moon about, working long hours yes but she was happy. Why? Because back in her country she was making 1.50-2 euros an hour.  She is a European citizen, yet what she was describing to me happily, her dreams her aspirations. Were so different from mine, her way of thinking so simple and happy go lucky. I felt that she was being used, working long hours as a waitress so that she could make some money and go back to her country and buy a car. Yet, at the same time, it was her way of life, she is young, she choose not to go to university, she choose a different path. 

This made me make a promise to myself, I am going to try harder to talk to those random people that I will be meeting. Especially since now I am forming part of ESN Malta, which I am sure is going to get me to meet all these amazing new people who have incredible backgrounds, simple back ground, just a story to tell.

I regret not taking her number or contact, so that I could listen to more of her story, but then again maybe it was for the best. It was such a fleeting moment, a gust of wind that took me on such a discovery.

Walking. Running. Jumping.

Recently I started, being much more on the active side of life. I realised that my body needed some looking after, this after spending an entire year depriving it of sleep, stuffing it with the unhealthiest of foods and above all else depriving it of movement. 

Naturally, I choose to start practising, a very mild version of Parkour, because why not?

For those that do not know what Parkour is, 

"Parkour is a training discipline using movement that developed from military obstacle course training. Practitioners aim to get from A to B in the most efficient way possible. This is done using only the human body and the surroundings for propulsion, with a focus on maintaining as much momentum as possible while still remaining safe. "

Basically, this yet an other one of my many impulses to try out new things. That said the number of people who took the piss out of me, when I told them what I was tyring to learn, was only over come by those who could not comprehend why I had choosen something like that over, more conventional methods of training. I could not awnser them, not when I was told by a dear friend of mine. 

"I did not laugh, because your going to try and learn how to practise parkour, I am laughing because it is so unusual and so strange for someone to go for that." 

He is absolutely and completely right, it is strange for us to do what the majority of us do not do. What am I getting at with this post, you have guessed it is. They are not my new endeavours. Rather what I learnt from them, that we have all of these social constructs that stop us create invisible walls, that make no sense why they should exist. 

Yet, here we are in the morning, waking up and following a routine, that we made or imposed on us. This routine, is so dangerous that people will not notice anything about it. I could not believe it myself, but when I was recovering from one of my many runs, I landed badly and was tyring to catch my breath so I could keep going on. I found myself between two paths, which to get from one to the other, one had to take a 2-3 minute walk around the building. Yet if you were to just run and jump across a three meter gap, it would take you 20-30 seconds at most. 

No one, not even myself got the idea to walk across that small gap, rather we always prefer taking the long way  around, because its what is socially acceptable. What we believe that we have to do, because it is what others do. If we do not do what others do, others will look at us weird or worse, think we are strange. 

None of that happened, with me, breathing heavily, I was all of a sudden invisible. No one stopped to look at the weird person standing where he shouldn't be. Why? Because I should not have been there, because it was illogical for a human to be there. Thus, we do not look in places like these. Yet these places are the most amazing of places, that I am currently looking for, not just physically but also in my life, how I do things. I am constatnly tyring to find new and novel ways to act, live and most importantly of think. 

Thinking outside of the box, coming up with ideas that no one could think of before, and implementing them or talking about them. More often than not, people think I am insane, suggesting the most outrageous of ideas. Concepts, which people tell me, we are not yet ready to make a reality. The thing is, we are never readyto do anything, unless we try. 

Now I am just rambling, but it was a thought that I had, and wanted to share with the rest of you. Been thinking a while how to write this, but as it turned out just sitting down and starting to type my ranting here rather then just telling myself how can I go around it. This has worked out pretty well.

So, my question to you.

Do you see this as well? Our constraints, that we put on ourselves, acting in ways not because we entirely want to, but because others act like that and thus we must conform.

Photos on instagram,

Facebook posts,

Blogging even, 

Tweets, 

Dress code,

Food.

The list is infinite, some might see me as a hipster, since what I propably comming off as one in this post (I really am not tring to be), I would like to share a thought, is it not, that our much loved individuality is just all but, a collection of characterisitcs that we pick up form those around us, in the most random of fashions. Begging the question to be, what does really make us individuals?

For me, it is the fearlessness not to be normal. What's yours?