Cooking

It is slowly becoming like a drug, putting the pan on the fire, slowly drizzling in oil and hearing the sizzle of the onions hitting the pan. Slowly releasing a beautiful aroma, driving your taste buds insane.

That is my new old hobby I guess, I saw this photo and it just made me want to share with you just some simple words on how amazing cooking is. It has become my alone time, slowly I began experimenting, and more of then than not failing miserably with tastes far to pungent and sauces which made your mouth burn in agony. Let alone your internal system, if you know what I mean.

Then a year and a half later, I got some people (Yes I am looking at you guys from common room) people hassle me to make curried tuna dips and aubergine  mash. While they labeled me the food guy, (Kinda sounds cool I guess).

BUT anyways

here

is

food!

Day by Day

Waking up in the morning, thinking of only one thing. Trying to find a reason to get out of bed. Thinking, yea suicide that's a cool thing you could do, but you know it's not you, rather it's one small part of you which is dominant.

By the time you get out of the house, you already had your first panic attack, you have already suppressed the urge to scream at your toothbrush and at the same time merrily skip while making your coffee. It's all normal for you, yet you know if someone saw you, and just asked what was happening? You would not know how to answer that.

You get to university, in a merry mood, listened to some nice music and managed to clear your mind. However, that lecturer is droning on, and it's all wrong, all of it the way he is speaking, the way she is writing, the way that person is sitting down. I promise I am not insane, but these are things that one notice when they become hyper aware.

Controlling these mood swings, yea it's possible very easy in fact. It is simply understanding that this is just an irrational thought passing through your head. Yet, you are scared, constantly scared of letting a little tiny bit of it outside, because the moment you get too comfortable, the moment you allow yourself to become open just enough to show those around you.

YOU ARE LUCKY, if you just get a puzzled look. I have had people stop talking to me, suggest I go see help, or simply take medicine, you freak of nature. Well you want to know one thing, it's not easy, it's not easy keeping it all inside, it's not easy holding in your thoughts. Feeling that you cannot belong anywhere, lost and lonely in a crowd of friendly people. Putting on masks for people so they like you, only showing them what they want to see. This is where one person stops trusting others, this is where one person becomes scared of being who they are.

This is because who they are is scary to those around them. The closest friends, family to that person do not understand is that, it's hell a terrifying having someone else inside with you. It’s a sad and lonely world not being able to be who you feel that you need to be. Yes I understand sometimes it gets over the top, but a simple “hey calm down” is enough to tell me that yes this is getting too much. Let us take it down a notch.

I am not alone, I am that one crazy enough to not care about what people think. I am strong enough to stare you back in the face and tell you hell, you think i'm crazy, you're right. I am not normal, hence I am labeled as crazy, I am unusual so I get stigma.

I am struggling with depression, anxiety and mood swings . Yet I am not alone, I reach to others, I talk to others and I tell them of my struggles and they help me. Unfortunately, I am one of few. Where am I going with this, I am here to tell you how it feels to be inside this mind, a prison of its own rights. I am telling you, do not label someone crazy, talk to them. They just might need that feeling that they belong.

Exam Rambling

I have finally joined the rank of the drug addicts of history, it is simple, so simple, we are started off slowly, when we are young, not given a choice, not given a chance to redeem ourselves.

We are forced to start doing exams, more and more exams, so many exams, to many exams. Then we look for some supplement, to keep our brains going. Dark in them middle of then night, making sure we have something to work on, to build on. Time to live.

That is when we are first given. COFFEE.

The hilarity of it, coffee as amazing as it is. People must understand that in the morning when you have your coffee, the reason you start feeling so amazing and so brilliantly beautiful. Is not because you are being eneregised. No for that you need a quadruple espresso with a side of Americano. No the reason is because you have, successfully warded off the withdrawal effect of all the coffee which you had ingested the day before.

After your second coffee, usually a few minutes after the first you brain starts to crave more.

Already? We just drank a little tiny bit more, are you not happy dear brain cells?

Well, that was a short and sweet ramble that I had after I pampered myself with the second bout of beautiful coffee at 01:15am.

GOOD DAY PEOPLE OF EARTH.

Summer: Change, Recall and New Stories

"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us." —Emery Allen

A few months ago I used this quote for something that was entirely different yet the same. What am I saying, I met someone who jolted my life, gave me something which I had forgotten, helped me remember what passion actually is. 

This is just a small update, I know I have not been feeding you my ramblings, I has been a strange few weeks actually, I have been adapting to change. Working two intern-ships, working on ESN, which is slowly becoming an addiction that I am in love with.  

But the big news, largest of them all, changing my degree. After four years of working towards a science degree, trying my best to become a scientist, trying my best to stick to a profile which I had created for myself. Rather let others create for me and stick to it. Has been a massive shock to change to do something else, so late in the day. 

Many of you have told me:

Are you insane??

But you have one year left.

Come on just finish it.

To that I tell you, I have learnt something till now, and I know that it is nothing much. Yet I learnt that when you try and force something onto yourself. Something else has to break, something else has to give. This year has been quite a year for me so much has happened so many things, I went and experienced, anything and everything, I met new people, made new friends, learnt new things. 

Yet every day is a new page in a book, a story that must be written down. To that I will quote a game that I started to play again recently, from my childhood. 

This is My Story - Tidus from Final Fantasy 10

Its not what you are classified as that makes you, it what you classify yourself that pushes you forward. The world is so much more then just what we see, as much and as active we can be. There are only 24 hours in a day, and in those 24 hours, there is only so much you can do. Yet  while we are experiencing our 24 hours, those next too us are experiencing theirs. 

We may be in luck that we can perhaps experience the life of those close to us for a small bit, maybe we experience it for a long time. Yet in the end we cannot experience every single second that each and every person on this planet lives. Thus we cannot know anyone's story, unless they decide to tell it to you while the sun is rising and thus heralding the start of a new day.