People

They come,

Always talking,                      never
Always running,                    stopping

Smiling together,                                    crying
Dancing in pairs,                                    alone

Watching movies,                                               standing
Eating meals,                                                      separated

They go.

Photo by Oscar Keys.

Canned Tuna

Canned food, wonderful creation is it not? It stays there, retaining its relative tastiness for years on end. (Compare canned tuna and fresh tuna after 2 years and see which one is the more appetizing one).

However in the end, it has one thing, uniformity, its the same, some imperfections, some different brands. Yet at the heart of the matter its essentially the same copy. Why am I talking about canned tuna? Is it because I just ate one which left me moderately dissatisfied, but i convinced myself that it was the tastiest healthiest cheapest thing that I could carry around with me? Perhaps.

Or is it because recently my Facebook has been filled with the non stop posting about the deaths of famous people, may they rest in peace, with the 'Earthquake' that managed to shatter broadband across the country with people posting about how amazing it was. In the words of a friend of mine, hunting likes by posting about the earth quake  came in three shocks, the earthquake itself, the people making fun of the fact everyone was panicking and then the people telling the people to shut up. 

Then of course the deaths of so many famous people, who so many people are a fan of, who SO many more people became a fan of.  The point is, it turned people into canned food, canned food that cannot be any different than what it is similar. There is canned tuna, mackerel and even canned lobster ravioli (the things you find in the local grocery store are strange, varied and outright incredible.) The fact however remains, we have become easily categorized into pre-determined groups, labels, myself included.  

How did this happen? In an age that we have unlimited access to one of the vastest seas of knowledge that we ever have had. The internet, the websites we use them (again I am guilty as hell of this) for simply going though countless hours of scrolling though posts on Facebook which I have already seen. Watching YouTube trailers again and again and again, the same effect that opening the fridge once was, you open it thinking of finding something nice to eat. You then close it and open it again, only thing changing is your expectations of what you can find.

The internet, the age of information, has done something which it was not ment to do. It was ment to connect us, to help us broaden our minds, and yet it is managing to change us into identical copies, millions following fashion trends, hundreds of thousands listen to what a few people say and do what they are told. Those few people, are strong enough to for a small period of time express themselves, but then they also crash and burn.

However, we still do not understand how big and how strong the internet can be, we use it with out learning how to. We dive head deep into an ocean that is filled with a wealth of information that more often than not scares us. This is when we end up sticking to what we know, and just to that, creating our thought bubble and keep it solidly in place. 

Because as humans, what are we more afraid than anything else, we are afraid of what we do not know.

What am I saying in my long ramble?

Ask Google next time. 

He knows the answer to your question.

Yet is your question the correct one?

Day by Day

Waking up in the morning, thinking of only one thing. Trying to find a reason to get out of bed. Thinking, yea suicide that's a cool thing you could do, but you know it's not you, rather it's one small part of you which is dominant.

By the time you get out of the house, you already had your first panic attack, you have already suppressed the urge to scream at your toothbrush and at the same time merrily skip while making your coffee. It's all normal for you, yet you know if someone saw you, and just asked what was happening? You would not know how to answer that.

You get to university, in a merry mood, listened to some nice music and managed to clear your mind. However, that lecturer is droning on, and it's all wrong, all of it the way he is speaking, the way she is writing, the way that person is sitting down. I promise I am not insane, but these are things that one notice when they become hyper aware.

Controlling these mood swings, yea it's possible very easy in fact. It is simply understanding that this is just an irrational thought passing through your head. Yet, you are scared, constantly scared of letting a little tiny bit of it outside, because the moment you get too comfortable, the moment you allow yourself to become open just enough to show those around you.

YOU ARE LUCKY, if you just get a puzzled look. I have had people stop talking to me, suggest I go see help, or simply take medicine, you freak of nature. Well you want to know one thing, it's not easy, it's not easy keeping it all inside, it's not easy holding in your thoughts. Feeling that you cannot belong anywhere, lost and lonely in a crowd of friendly people. Putting on masks for people so they like you, only showing them what they want to see. This is where one person stops trusting others, this is where one person becomes scared of being who they are.

This is because who they are is scary to those around them. The closest friends, family to that person do not understand is that, it's hell a terrifying having someone else inside with you. It’s a sad and lonely world not being able to be who you feel that you need to be. Yes I understand sometimes it gets over the top, but a simple “hey calm down” is enough to tell me that yes this is getting too much. Let us take it down a notch.

I am not alone, I am that one crazy enough to not care about what people think. I am strong enough to stare you back in the face and tell you hell, you think i'm crazy, you're right. I am not normal, hence I am labeled as crazy, I am unusual so I get stigma.

I am struggling with depression, anxiety and mood swings . Yet I am not alone, I reach to others, I talk to others and I tell them of my struggles and they help me. Unfortunately, I am one of few. Where am I going with this, I am here to tell you how it feels to be inside this mind, a prison of its own rights. I am telling you, do not label someone crazy, talk to them. They just might need that feeling that they belong.

Exam Rambling

I have finally joined the rank of the drug addicts of history, it is simple, so simple, we are started off slowly, when we are young, not given a choice, not given a chance to redeem ourselves.

We are forced to start doing exams, more and more exams, so many exams, to many exams. Then we look for some supplement, to keep our brains going. Dark in them middle of then night, making sure we have something to work on, to build on. Time to live.

That is when we are first given. COFFEE.

The hilarity of it, coffee as amazing as it is. People must understand that in the morning when you have your coffee, the reason you start feeling so amazing and so brilliantly beautiful. Is not because you are being eneregised. No for that you need a quadruple espresso with a side of Americano. No the reason is because you have, successfully warded off the withdrawal effect of all the coffee which you had ingested the day before.

After your second coffee, usually a few minutes after the first you brain starts to crave more.

Already? We just drank a little tiny bit more, are you not happy dear brain cells?

Well, that was a short and sweet ramble that I had after I pampered myself with the second bout of beautiful coffee at 01:15am.

GOOD DAY PEOPLE OF EARTH.

The Ramble

Well this is a very big post that I have been putting off months from posting. 

WELCOME TO MY NEW PAGE! 

Yes finally I have made a page and yes finally I have started posting in the name of #RoTM (get it trending people)

What better time to do it when I am basically already drowning in work :D 

Yet there is not a better time to do this then now, why?

Well lets start with the story that I have been putting off for so long, that well now its stale. Maybe I wanted it to be stale, maybe I wanted to escape from it, I have been  really running away from it.

I have been posting less on this blog, which was my mode to express myself, and that is because I did not know what to express about myself. I have just changed everything about me, yes the same old crazy Alex is still here inside waiting to burst out at every opportunity. 

Yet, I failed my degree, after four long years of hard work, gruelling hours of working on countless scientific theorems, learning fact after fact of material that I will now never be able to use. That is what I was thinking the day I found out I had failed. 

I was a failure, it is indeed an interesting feeling,  completely giving up in life, seeing the world as a vortex of darkness. In my head it was all the fault of this year, the dark year I wanted to dub it. Everything was going to go wrong, nothing will work out. 

Then I tried finding a job, guess what no luck. I mean who wanted to hire someone who has failed! Who wanted to find someone to pick up and train to do something. I did get an internship in SiTC, which I am really grateful for, however I knew it was not going to be enough. I needed a plan, I needed to get out of that vortex that was sucking me in. 

Then it started to happen, BOOM out of the blue, I was in ESN Malta, BOOM, I was elected the President, with a wonderfully crazy and energetic team. Head strong and ready to make a change, to make THE change, to rewrite the history of the organisation.

BOOM,

I was hired for a second internship, I am working with Konnekt Recruitment, the door way for me into the world of work. I am learning things which I would have never known before if it was not for Konnekt the people I work with, the environment, it is impossible to feel down in there. No one gives you a chance you always know you can get back up, admit that you did something wrong and keep on working to fix it. That is their mentality and it fills me to the brim with energy!

BOOM

Met new people, met new friends, I feel in love again, so crazily so instantly. Something which I had though I cannot, trusting someone with that spark of magic. Yet I was lost when I met her, the romantic in me gave in, not even a struggle. Yea sure it might not work out, but who knows! 

I am still 22, I am young and crazy, I am resourceful, as some friends put it, Unorthodox, Crazy and Dedicated. Yes that is what I am, some one who is not scared of trying out the new thing, someone who is not scared of being some one else, of working, of accepting his misatakes and moving on. 

Yes I am hard headed and it takes a while to get used to me, some people have personalities, I am a character (again quoting some of my dearest friends who love me so much :D )

Why should I hold myself back and hold back who I am? 

What does that result in?

It results in a lack of happnies from my part, it results in me escaping the reality, which is

I am Alex,

and I love to Ramble, doesn't come frequent, or regular, but it comes when it comes.

SO why was I upset that I cannot form the Facebook page. Because I was not posting enough? 

EVERY day is a story if I choose to share it, because I see the world though my eyes, and my eyes alone and you all see the world though your own eyes. So let us share our stories, some people share their stories though photos, others though speaking.

I Ramble.

SO Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, PEOPLE of all AGES

I 

GIVE

YOU

RAMBLINGS OF THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!

The Train.

What is a train, other then a means of transport. Changed the world, allowed us to get there, allowed us to get there faster. Allowed us to connect the world, city to city, village to village. Make people able to get to work faster. Find work faster, get from one place to the other faster.

Faster, faster, faster, faster, fast, fast, fast

Yet we arrived to a point we forgot one important thing, that on the train you have windows. We have a view, be it a city, be it a valley or a field filled with horses. 

We have become so fixated on doing more, arrived at the destination. Making sure that we make it happen the big break. The big event in our life, making money, getting a house, getting a family, raising your kids. Or building your company, building an empire. 

Yet so many of us are forgetting, removing, and abolishing their passions in the process. We forget why we set out, when we arrived at the end. We forgot to look out of the window, we forget to stop at the next stop and taking a look around. Maybe an other train can take us faster, or slower, or from a different route. Maybe we can find a train that doesn't rattle, or we want a train that is rattling. 

So I am telling you, you have to look outside the window. Who knows what is outside?

I never though I would find what I have found yesterday, and I always wonder what will come tomorrow!

Summer: The Lost Girl!

So yesterday I was walking back home after one of the nicest burgers I had in a while. The Falafel burger at New York's Best blew my mind away, and no they did not pay me to give them this advert, although they are welcome to give me a free burger next time <3. But yes the burger was out of this world, never expected in a million years for it to be so good, especially since I am not a big fan of Falafel.

Anyway I digress, yes I was walking home, tired from a very long day ( I will get to that in an other blog post). While waiting on the bus stop I eyes a gorgeous girl, who was vividly lost and panicking, so like any good citizen I look at the ground and kept myself to myself. Something which I am ashamed of having done, because the poor girl then came up to me and started asking me directions in very fragmented english. She was sounding very panicked and kept trying to explain that she needed to get to Marsaxlokk, which was around 2 hours bus ride away, and since it was at the end of the day buses were not passing as frequently. Not to mention the insanity of Isle of MTV. 

Me feeling guilty of not having made the first step and tried to help her even though I realized she was in distress, I told her I will help you get there. I stayed talking to her and have a really wonderful conversation. That frankly put a lot of things into perspective for me.

I will not give you the details, however she was a foreigner who came to Malta so that she could find work. She had made a contract with someone back in her country allowing her to work in Malta for 4 euro 50 cents per hour. Something that she was over the moon about, working long hours yes but she was happy. Why? Because back in her country she was making 1.50-2 euros an hour.  She is a European citizen, yet what she was describing to me happily, her dreams her aspirations. Were so different from mine, her way of thinking so simple and happy go lucky. I felt that she was being used, working long hours as a waitress so that she could make some money and go back to her country and buy a car. Yet, at the same time, it was her way of life, she is young, she choose not to go to university, she choose a different path. 

This made me make a promise to myself, I am going to try harder to talk to those random people that I will be meeting. Especially since now I am forming part of ESN Malta, which I am sure is going to get me to meet all these amazing new people who have incredible backgrounds, simple back ground, just a story to tell.

I regret not taking her number or contact, so that I could listen to more of her story, but then again maybe it was for the best. It was such a fleeting moment, a gust of wind that took me on such a discovery.

Common Room #4

Its about time I send a rant about those lovely people that I share my pain, misery and above all else the sweet suffering of exams. The new faces, the friends, made though the close quarters (often very smelly) of common room are endless. Honest friends, who show your their true colors by raging and screaming at you, break down crying or melt into a puddle at any given moment of time.

The first group that I would like to start with, those who have been at my side, or rather, me stuck to theirs almost consistently for the past month. Working together to try and make this semester pass, are the odd fits. A lovely group of people, who are made of the eternal bitch face, a person that scares the living willies out of anyone, yet when needed she pops up and helps all those around her as best as she can. Then you get the M&M, the stretchy one and the obnoxious one, I owe them that I am found in this group now. They have been nothing but supportive of my daily meltdowns and hours of wailing and complaining about my life and studies and DID I MENTION I HAD A PAPER CUT TODAY WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME. Talking about annoying, there is the annoying one, a puddle of hugs and love, caring like a mother hen about her friends more than anything in the world.

I just realized I left the guys out of this, well you got the Scottish pastor from the middle south american bible belt, who was born and raised in Malta. Enough said about him, more about the bun dude, who is quite a quiet guy, yet when pissed off he shows enough emotion to make a passing comment. You're weirdness knows no bounds, and yes I did write you're, bloody grammar Hitler, I KNOW YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS and I do NOT CARE I WILL STAND AGAINST YOUR IRON RULE. (This guy, lets call him Toupee dude has a love for Medicine and correct Grammar.)

So after getting rid of the core of annoyance in the room. We really should move on to the medicine students, rather the small bunch of medicine students who are known for sporadic laughing and long chats in a rather loud manner. Making sure everyone around them knows how hard their subject is. With all of their elite nature, they are honestly a sweet group of people, and the long chats about medicine and science while smoking outside are quite honestly something that I look forward to.

The last group for this blog (more will follow later this is getting to long), would be the rabble, or rather the procrastinators extraordinaire. THEY MANAGE to make anything in a lovely break, be it play hearthstone, basket ball, football, smoking, sitting, watching episodes. You name it, they do it. It is really incredible, and yet somehow they still manage to get all of their work done, effortlessly and be chill when exam times comes up.

Last side note, Hail Caesar, you know who you are :)

To be continued....

The Glass

Is the Glass half full or half empty?

An age old question often used and interpreted in a myriad of ways. Supposedly making us think about our personality, if we are optimists or pessimists. However, I never heard someone say, although I am sure I am not the first to think of this. It is just a glass with water in it.

We have such an obsession to classify things, separate and divide into facts of information. We need to know. We need to put everything into its category, and get that fix for our "OCD" as many would say. Yet as I said, why cannot the glass be just a glass of water? 

From our own perspective it is just a glass of water, but from someone else's point of view it is definitely going to be described as something different. This is because we do not see the same things, we do not see the world from the same perspective. We do usually have a tendency to have a very similar, with almost identical perspective that is heavily influenced by the culture that we live in, the people that we grow up with, or those that we call friends. Yet it always impresses me how people from different cultures, different education backgrounds or simply different ages tend to see the world.

Do we all ways see everything we have around us?

I used to work as a waiter and this put me in contact with a large amount of tourists who always gave me their own take on my culture, coming from Gozo. I had this idea, a very close minded and small perspective of how the world was or so I thought. When I traveled I understood those people I used to meet bewildered lost in my culture. All it took was me brushing up someone else culture. Having lived just one month in America and then having been in a relationship with someone from London, which resulted in me living the odd week over there every few months. Showed me how differently we see our world from each other, and in a way opened my mind to so many different possibilities of seeing anything. Including that glass of water.

In a manner, I don't see a glass of water, or rather don't want to see a glass of water. I want to see what others see, because that is in itself just as interesting and intriguing as the eternal debate of the half full, half empty glass, because in doing that I believe that I might be able to understand much better how others think and feel.