I should be sleeping but, I realised I have not had a rant at someone for a while, and what better way to have such rants if not on my blog (sorry people for keeping you waiting, currently I am busier then exam time believe it or not). So here goes.
I was thinking, and talking to myself. Why the hell do I do so much, stuff, what drives me to keep on working, and enjoying what I do. I must say, thinking about the amount of hours I dedicate to my passions, I always over did it. While gaming, I used to spend sometimes even more then 16 hours in one day playing a game obsessing about getting the small things right. Then I moved on to building stuff in minecraft (note this for me is not a game but a means to express ones self), where I spent countless hours building, what ever I felt, large cities, contraptions, monuments ect.
And now S-Cubed, or rather being an active student, helping those around me who need that extra push and working with a team of brilliant people. (Who I must admit not always get along with, but I mean stress does things to people. The best bit is getting a beer afterwards and its all good. ) Working with these people, to provide that something that will people remember their university, and help them be able to get a better job eventually. At least that's what I am trying to do, but I must admit, I do not always manage, but that does not turn me off this, rather it reinvigorates me to keep working harder and harder. Sometimes I take it a step to far, far to far...and it has damage my academic record, I must say quite badly in some cases. But I will keep doing this, in anyway capacity I can because Its what keeps me sane, yet at the same time what makes me insane if that makes sense.
A close friend of mine, while being drunk to the point of being oblivious to the world around him, had come up to me and told me. Alex, Alex I envy you, I envy the will you have. This left me speechless, no guys no this is not me saying look at me I am awesome, no this is not a narcissistic comment about myself. No this is a comment about the will that my friend talk about. What he said is the thing that worries me the most, of all the people around me, I notice they have the potential to change the world. I know people who have the brain power to be able to do so many things. Research, develop and manage anything that takes their fancy. I know people who will blow your mind, I know a guy who learnt how to do a rubrics cube everything in an evening. He does them at the speed of light, incredible. I know a person who has the ability to memorise almost anything, and make assumptions which are always within the 95% confidence level (for non scientists that's being able to assume what the truth is, or being extremely close to it.)
I, met all these people, I know them, they are my friends, close friends, but what makes me said is, not all of them do something to help themselves. Not all of them get their potential and push it to the limit. People congratulate me for doing something, doing something that is so bad, I am ashamed of it, but people still come up to me and say wow you are so good. What is different between me and them? I tried, they didn't...but if they did, I would have looked like an idiot, because they would be a million times better then me at it.
So that's one thing I am doing right now, getting people to do stuff so I look like an idiot, and we have a better world in general, but for myself, why do I do what I do?
I do that because I...
I do not know, I am doing something because it feels right but... I really honestly do not know why I do half of the things I do, I just act. I found out that when I think about something for far to long, things get complicated, problems arise, before they arise, solutions never come, because there are no problems to fix...and I fail. So I live life day by day, living as if I am living for the last day of my life.
So here is a question for yourself.
If you know you are going to die in the next 365 days, yes in the next year. What would you do?
I think I will continue living as I am, doing my best, maybe not to enjoy life, but to feel proud of who and what I am, because of anything I can say I am proud of myself, not because everything I do is correct, but because I do so many mistakes. As Albert Einstein said, if from a 1000 ideas one of them is a good one, well I will be happy. In my case if from a 1000 mistakes, I learn about one of them, then I know I have grown into a better person.
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