Mirrors

Thinking back, a few years when I used to look in a mirror paniking saying, my hair is not right, god damn I'm fat (things my vain self still does on again off again). However, now today I asked my self a question which, I did not expect I would ask myself for a long time.

Would Alex five years ago, be proud of who Alex is today.

The answer is, I have no clue not a single one. So much has happened in the last five years, I left secondary school, entered high school/ 6th form (according to which country you are in). Which where two years of brutal awaking, that hey my world well it was  my world and there was an entire different world out there

I took part in competitions, I learnt that talking in public is not as scary as many people make it to be, and frankly can be quite fun. For someone coming out from a science background with peppering of geek, and a gamer, sorry a die hard gamer. (at the time I realise how much time I had to waste) I started appreciating the value of art, and literature more and more (a nod for a specific lecturer who made this happen.)

I became healthy, (this changed again later on) and started training myself moulding myself into a cardiac freak, which was nice till now I switched the bike with a car, which is more fun but less good for my heart. I Travelled abroad, saw a small snippet at what is out there, from this small island in the middle of no where, to great cities with millions around me, lost in a jungle of concrete. Trying to control myself from the culture shock I was receiving. I entered university, I learnt what love is, I learnt what friendships are, I learnt so many great things, and did so many others.

BUT,

but there is always a but in the middle, (and usually a big one)

I did just as many stupid, not so great, and down right a-hole moves. I treated friends badly, I ignored people, I was needy, I was overly attached, I am still hard headed and stubborn beyond belief. For those that know me, I am very quick to anger, very quick to change my mood. I throw tantrums as if they are nothing, I say hurtful mean things to those closest to me just because I am angry at them and things are not going my way.

I stop talking to people, seal myself inside and wallow in self pity for months at a time sometimes, never letting go of certain things. I learnt for the first time, what it meant to have a black out due to alcohol. Not knowing what I did, or why I did certain things.

So after all of this, what what is the point of me asking myself, would Alex five years ago be proud of me today?

Probably he would slap me in the face and tell me, what the hell was going though your head when you did most of those things, or in equal probability fist bump me and say, at least you survived with style.

I will now take a chance to blurt out something which I came up with, (this is a proud moment for me because usually I come up with utter bullshit)

I am not ashamed of saying what I did, 

I am proud of things I did and I am ashamed of things that I did,

 but I will mention them both the same.