Shaping!!!!

Bold,
Cold,
Told,

Moulded,
Scolded,
Folded,

Built,
Stilt,
Tilt,

Analysed ,
Paralysed ,
Catalysed,

Shaped!

Life

Dancing

Walking 

Running

Dancing

Talking

Screaming

Dancing

Listing 

Hearing

Dancing

Touching
Feeling

Dancing

Acting

Playing

Dancing
Living
Death.

Nuts

Hazel
Brazil
Wall
NUTTTTS

Cashews
Almonds
Pea
NUTSSSS

Pecan
Pine
Pistachio
NUUUUTS

posted from Bloggeroid

The Man With Slippers #NonSense

So I was on my night out, with friends the usual stuff. Meet up, drink, drink, drink, drink ,drink...oh sorry got lost there. Anyway, a night out the usual happens we talk, we joke, pick on each other. Taunt each other, discuss our work.

Then we make it into a massive club and we meet others, and we start talking. People jumping around bumping into each other, and then you see a random friendly face and you go say hi.

One of these random friendly faces offered me a drink, accepting the gracious offer. I just so happen to tilt my head in respect to him as a thank you. When I notice, slippers, this guy, was wearing slippers to a club.

Mind you not just any slippers, stripped ones, blue and white, white and blue, slippers. Blew my mind at the time when I was under the effect of what I would call alcohol. A stupor like no other, I however remember taking my phone out and writing a reminder, remember the slippers.

Hats of to you dear sir, for taking slippers to a club.

Driving

The belt straped

The breaks held

The clutch pressed

The gear set.

The key turned

The mirrors checked

The gas pressed

The break left.

A wind blows though

The windows

A hump rises from

The engine

The wheel turns

as if it was just

an extension 

to the arm.

And the car moves.

Speed rises

A primal feeling

of Freedom.

The rant of money

The rant,
Starts with the preaching
Of the good of this world.

And how
None
None is found in
Us

Thus we must give
Give
What have to those who
Are less then us.

The we talk
Talk about the buildings
Talk about the accessories
Talk about what we can give.

And soon
Soon the needy are forgotten
The needy are left out

New chairs
New fans
New carpets

These take thier place
An irony
Or a simple truth

And the rant goes on....

posted from Bloggeroid

The longest year, or not!

This year, was a year of change, to say the least. A lot has happened, a lot was gained a lot was lost, but I am who I am and that's an other post found right below this.

No this is just a small note, a note to say that, I have survived though repeating at year at university. (Still waiting results), I have survived, being a failure, I survived making mistakes, I survived making massive erroneous judgement calls, and above all else I survived my brain.

This post is a note, to all those who like me last year, where found neck deep in sand, with a pounding headache and a faint note of rum among the sand on their tongue. You are you out of options, you can wiggle, scratch, dig yourself out of that hole, YOU will fall in it time and time again, you will break nails, you will crack bones, and you will cause avalanches to bury you again, but the people around you, who might or might not be there for ever, who might or might not want to help you will help you in a way or other, either by making you stronger.

Or by getting a shovel and help with the digging, and by the end of it, by the end of it you realise you have built yourself a rock solid foundation for a new fresh start.

Tomorrow is the day my fresh start was, my problems have changed, I can still see cracks which I need to return to, and holes as well which need refilling, but hey, what is life if you do not make mistakes that you can fix or at least try to fix.

Basically, this is a good luck to all those who are neck deep in sand or other materials which we shall not talk about on this blog, and if you need it god damn it ill give you a hand why not, I was given one, but I am warning you I might end up suck with you (and hopefully a bottle of rum).

Mirrors

Thinking back, a few years when I used to look in a mirror paniking saying, my hair is not right, god damn I'm fat (things my vain self still does on again off again). However, now today I asked my self a question which, I did not expect I would ask myself for a long time.

Would Alex five years ago, be proud of who Alex is today.

The answer is, I have no clue not a single one. So much has happened in the last five years, I left secondary school, entered high school/ 6th form (according to which country you are in). Which where two years of brutal awaking, that hey my world well it was  my world and there was an entire different world out there

I took part in competitions, I learnt that talking in public is not as scary as many people make it to be, and frankly can be quite fun. For someone coming out from a science background with peppering of geek, and a gamer, sorry a die hard gamer. (at the time I realise how much time I had to waste) I started appreciating the value of art, and literature more and more (a nod for a specific lecturer who made this happen.)

I became healthy, (this changed again later on) and started training myself moulding myself into a cardiac freak, which was nice till now I switched the bike with a car, which is more fun but less good for my heart. I Travelled abroad, saw a small snippet at what is out there, from this small island in the middle of no where, to great cities with millions around me, lost in a jungle of concrete. Trying to control myself from the culture shock I was receiving. I entered university, I learnt what love is, I learnt what friendships are, I learnt so many great things, and did so many others.

BUT,

but there is always a but in the middle, (and usually a big one)

I did just as many stupid, not so great, and down right a-hole moves. I treated friends badly, I ignored people, I was needy, I was overly attached, I am still hard headed and stubborn beyond belief. For those that know me, I am very quick to anger, very quick to change my mood. I throw tantrums as if they are nothing, I say hurtful mean things to those closest to me just because I am angry at them and things are not going my way.

I stop talking to people, seal myself inside and wallow in self pity for months at a time sometimes, never letting go of certain things. I learnt for the first time, what it meant to have a black out due to alcohol. Not knowing what I did, or why I did certain things.

So after all of this, what what is the point of me asking myself, would Alex five years ago be proud of me today?

Probably he would slap me in the face and tell me, what the hell was going though your head when you did most of those things, or in equal probability fist bump me and say, at least you survived with style.

I will now take a chance to blurt out something which I came up with, (this is a proud moment for me because usually I come up with utter bullshit)

I am not ashamed of saying what I did, 

I am proud of things I did and I am ashamed of things that I did,

 but I will mention them both the same.

Rage!

Burning
Anger
with out any reason
just sitting there.

The world
could be burning,

but no satisfaction,
would come
because
nothing matters.

People
things
scared of you
of what is inside

a monster
slumbers,

what
could be the reason
that its
awakening.

Trouble,
Trouble is almost over
pain
the wound is healing.

Why is this anger
coming now

when
the light at
the end
has been reached?!

A hidden gem.

Yesterday I went to a bar/lounge place in Valletta. When I enter I noticed that it was rather a posh place, then I gaze on the bar for the first time, and at that moment the world stopped moving. Rows and Rows of whiskey bottles, from the cheapest to the most expensive ones.  Lined one next to the other, and here I am not talking about your every day Jack Daniels, or Johnny Walker or any of these brands. Yes there where there of course, but there was such amazing choice. Me and one of my friends just stood still for around ten minutes looking at the menu trying to figure out what would be worth tasting.

The place had enormous variety, and I must say, even if I am in love with whiskey, I realised how little I know about it and how little I explored of its amazing world. After much deliberation and thought, we settled for one which for the love of me I cannot pronounce, but it was glorious. I know that it was a Scottish highland whiskey, and it was amazing. The aroma it had left me smelling it for the next half an hour, while gently sipping it. More of focused on the drink then on the conversation around me, which usually I would have partaken much more.

When I finished my lovely drink, which left me in a dreamy state, my friend offered me a drink. This time I decided I will go for something else, and took an old fashioned whiskey cocktail. A citrus flavoured and rather interesting drink, with the aroma and taste of whisky but not much the punch in it. I quite enjoyed it but I must say, I did get quite dreamy eyed, now this could be because of the fact it was one in the morning and I had had a long day, or could be a happy place I found but what ever it was I shall be visiting this place once more. 

A fascination with colours. #Rambling

As you could provably tell from my recent posts, I have gotten a rather deep fascination with colours more and more, being the key things that inspire me to write. Hitting me in the face at certain situations, being brighter, or rather standing out more. It is an interesting thing, maybe something to do with the mood I am feeling in, which when I think about it sometimes it does resonate with it.

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet. The rainbow, or rather what we see as distance in the continuous spectrum which is the rainbow. My questions is why do these colours, why do colours symbolise moods, or help to enhance the mood. Our association with them is quite interesting, but non the less hard to understand where it stems from. Possibly the colours of certain things which we attached meanings to, but then again that would mean it has a different effect on us.

Here I am talking out of my ass when I am sure a large number of people have studied this and wrote countless papers, which I should go look up. Or a book or two, shopping time I guess.

Blue!

Deep waters,
Open skyies,

Sweet berries,
Sour paint,

Swimming dolphins,
Hiding insects,

Facebook,
Word,

Windows in churches,
The pen at school,

The Union Jack is united by,
What is also found on the flag of France,

A warm colour,
Yet it symbolised cold,

Beautiful,
yet dangerous,

The colour of clothes,
In cars driving by,

Blue!

The Tree

While walking home at four in the morning,
a tree took my fancy
a tree which I never,
had introduced myself to.

A tree with purple,
violet flowers.

Dancing under the bright moon,
dancing without its leaves.

The leaves have long left,
for what reason
one can only imagine,
one can only try to think of a reason.

Was it for the lack of sleep?
Was it for the lack of birds?
Was it for the lack of wind?
Was it for the lack of rain?

The tree with purple,
stood in the midst of many others,
which had lush green,
tops.

made out of leaves,
sleepy leaves.

Day after day,
I pass by.

Day after day,
I see the dancing flowers.

Till one day,
a flower fell on my head.

And the tree told me,
Summer was here,
and it was time,
to sleep.

Heroes

What is a hero,

a super human?

a soldier who killed thousands?

a scientist who saved millions?

a leader!

Why do we create heros,

to have something to aspire to?

to teach a story?

to entertain?

to unite!

Why become a hero,

for personal gain?

for the common good?

for a cause?

for fate!

Where are today's heros,

in the street?

in a lab?

in an office?

in ourselves!

Writing!

This urge,
This feeling,
What it is
I do not know.

But I must get rid of it.
How does it not go away.
I have been
I want to be
Listened to.

But how do I...
I know,
I must
I need to,
WRITE!

The pen,
The paper.

Such old methods
However,
now,
now.

I have the keys
Keys
and
a voice!

A voice
telling me what to say,
and say it
I must or
else
insanity .

at my door
the voice is strong,
but writing
it keeps it at bay.

Such a wonderful
glorious feeling
this is
writing,

Immortalising

one's feelings
one's emotions
one's thoughts

It never stops,
the feeling

but it abates
it slows
only to return
soon it will

and when it does
I will lose
myself into it once again

the muse
the feeling

a new high
never
before I expect I
I would feel like this

have this,
so I tell all
all those who will read
my words

write your own,
as
when you do
you will find
find out

more about
the person which,
makes you
you.

Common Room #2

This is mostly the fault of Cap guy who I shall be talking about later on, and also a few other people who where 'insulted' that I did not speak about them. Some sort of compensation is expected just saying.

With girl with out socks, sits at the back of the common room, always with her feet up on the chair in front of her. Then she always complains about her feet getting cold, and how she hates herself for forgetting to get a sock with her. With a gazillion of chocolates spread around her on the table she is always willing to share any of them with those who go to talk to her.

The, no other way how to put it, golden a** hole. Let me explain this, he is one of the nicest people you will meet, a warm heart, kind and polite. However, he does not know how to control his wit. Spurting out what he thinks about anyone instantaneously, with very little self shame. He is a nice guy but, he still does not know about it.

Fine, fine I know you have been waiting to know about the Cap guy. This one, is one of those people that when you look at them you just think. What the hell happened here, at least that was my initial reaction to him, what do I mean. You see this bulky giant who always has a scowl on his face, (my theory this is always present because of the exams and this would change if he had a couple of nice cold one's nearby), that when he looks at you makes you feel jumpy. Then he speaks and manages to take the piss out of the living world, turning the atmosphere of depression of studying into an stand up comedy show for five to ten minutes when he is about to go and have his one hundred cigarette of the day. 

Then how could I forget the one and only beer chugging, music loving, Rugby monster and one of the best study buddies one could have. His signature appearance is personified in his mug, giant, hulking but then the inside is filled with warm coffee which will liven up your day at any point in your day. Also he loves beer, you got to love a guy that loves beer.

The guy that I am not friends with no more because he has incited hatred against doughnuts all that in which I believe in. He is thus no longer my friend and from now on, he shall not be forgiven till a doughnut shall be given as a form of a peace treaty. (Any equivalent delicious goodness shall be accepted! ) 

They psychologists, they had to come in here as well. Two lovely ladies, with characters that are so bright and vibrant and cheerful. Ready for a chat, highly opinionated, and will do sometimes tend to try and psychologically analyse you. Determining if you are insane or not, to the point that it will drive you insane. They will then smile at the fact that you are insane and they have done a correct analysis of a human character.

This is why I study, I live on the university grounds, its because of these people. The opportunity to meet, to talk, to discuss and just to get to know others. Others who will compliment your character and help you grow.


Edit: To try and extortionate the doughnut from this fellow, I will mention him, however mean while check out his blog, its quite something else (making mine look like crap but I can live with that)

Exam

Sitting,

Writing,

Thinking,

Remembering.

Breathing,

Looking,

Analysing,

Executing. 

Starting,

Turning,

Scribbling,

Finishing.

Walking,

Closing,

Sighing.

Sealing.

Stopping,

Zoning,

Aware,

Living.

Beer!

The keg has been broken,

the tankards haven been set,

the mouths are dry,

so let the glorious lager flow.

Let the long awaited

water of life

flow onto our pallets

and let us be saited.

However, 

this is not to be,

Tankard

after Tankard.

And the satisfaction 

is still far far away,

Problem arises

bowels are bursting

Running

world spinning

to the lavatory

long line awaits.

After nature has 

taken its course

you find that space

had been made. 

And thus the cycle 

continues 

till you awake 

a morning later.

Satisfied!

yet with wet pants,

because you had, 

forgotten to go to the loo one last time!

The need for talking.

Human nature is indeed quite strange, we are social animals. There is no way around it, we exist just to live around each other. Every day we have to talk to an other human, communicate in some what or other, even if this is just a persona which we have created inside our mind.

Every day we meet new people, every day we forget old acquaintances, however some stay. This is when they impact your life with their favour of it. Their view of life, and take something from you as well, it's how we manage to mature and grow as people, as a group its how we evolved to become the masters of the environment around us. 

This comes from a person I met this year, completely opposite to me, I am tense, over think everything. Prepare for the worst case scenario and envision it happening. Reading though every little detail that is found anywhere and thinking twice before doing almost anything. However at the same time think big, enormous take incredible risks and when I believe in something, or rather when I want something I will stop at nothing to get it.

This person, relaxed, nonchalant and practical. If a problem arises, well we can always try to fix it when it does, and if we can not fix it then what is the point of worrying about it. Still prepares for everything, yet in a cool manner. Relaxed and powerful, always in control, rarely panicking but then. Then not doing much, even if believing in something, quiet type. Staying back and letting things pass with out giving them a shot even though the could be the best thing possible for him.

What happened, this year we got to know each other, not much at the start just happened to meet on a few occasions and talk. This all changed when we did some work together, when we got to know each other more. We transferred our characteristics, at least he transferred some of his to me, and I hope I gave something back.

Human interaction is quite strange, it is the do or do not of our society. We live to communicate, however communication is our downfall. We live in groups, work in groups, function in groups, but still hard headily press on to ignore this communication and what it can truly achieve.

This is an absolute prime example of a completely non-sensical rambling of a person, however I hope what I have tried to convey has gotten through most probably it has not but, but that is for me to wonder how I can improve on my communication.

The Common Room.

Exams, are still on going and meanwhile here I can be found writing yet another one of my ramblings. To what end nobody knows, but at least it keeps me thinking that at least I am doing something 'productive'.

I have been as previously mentioned, and as many have come to know me, on the university premises for almost all of this exam season. It has been quite the experience, and it has led me to meet some of the most exceptional people; I swear I am dumb founded. While I am living in my own little world of thoughts and dreams, these people around me have shown me how to keep up with the exams; some have given me a good laugh, others just shared my pain as I prepared for an exam.

Thus today I will begin with the 'Bible' Lady, a friend which was made in this god forsaken room, she happened to have one of the best written out notes about a topic if not for her I would not have had a chance of maybe passing let alone go out of the exam feeling really good about how I did (note this has no relevance if I passed or not BUT the feeling should hopefully mean something). Then she did the same thing with 'scriptures' for another exam allowing me to look at them and read and write the notes on them.

There is the Afro dude, a close friend of mine who has his quirks, monkey moments, sleeping on almost any surface, but has been here with me sharing my pain and trudging through with me. Both of us helping each other to the best of our abilities. Doing whatever we can to try to stay afloat in the tidal wave of this examination session which has left us almost suffocating more than once. Through all of this we are still swimming this due to the ease with which we help each other; when one fails the other seems to have the solution for it. I admit, I am the one that does most of the sinking, and he does take care making sure I am keeping up.

There is the old granny, with the heart of a teenager, as lovely and generous a human being as they can get. SCARY, when she is behind the wheel and you happen to be crossing the road. However, when she is not, she has a heart of gold. Sharing and helping as much as she can, she will always find time to listen, talk or discuss something. She does have a bubble around her, which although she does not admit, she lets more than just one person in at a time and likes to have a party. Also she likes yellow, important to note she likes yellow.

There is then the guy who you do not mess with, but when you talk to him, get him out of his shell can be a hilarious person who is always up for some mischief. A brilliant brain, constantly thinking and processing things faster than most. Although sometimes a bit disorganised he has astounded me beyond belief more than once. I do also owe him twenty something marks for an exam when the night before he painstakingly stayed explaining an example which came out in the paper. I should get him a drink or two later on.

Then there are different groups which you talk to, who make your ten minute turn into an hour of cat videos, or pranks or that unnecessary food run.

The Health officials, three ladies always smiling with mischief, always up for a chat with anyone. There is the face planter, who on giving up for the night decided the best of ideas is to close her laptop and dump all her life and dreams away but planting her face on laptop face down and going to sleep. Then there is the one that never stops laughing, constantly laughing at every word, action or move one makes. I think stress got to her at some point but not sure about that. The last one is the touchy one, she likes to talk and discuss but hell no one is going to touch her Facebook and not face her wrath for the next few weeks. Still waiting for the bruise to go down.

The Lawyers (TO BE) the group always varies, however the trio at the top of the mischief are almost always there. The Shaggy T, Piano Hands and the Sir, talking to them you are guaranteed to start laughing nonstop. Their dark sarcastic humour is quite something, their view on life as well, but makes it all the worthwhile. The amount of pizzas, and other take away shared with them is troubling to mention, we all need to go to the gym for the next few months, maybe we could get a deal for the number of people we are.

The Gozitans, how can I not mention these guys, being one myself, but not part of the group. There is the drama king, his queen and their poor caretaker. The king makes every little thing into a large issue but makes the whole room laugh about it. His queen is sure to make sarcastic comments about the way things are working, although queen (keep in mind it’s a he) no words reach the kings ear. And their servant listens and face palms himself into misery.

The Italian, energetic, strong, charismatic, whenever you meet him you get that vibe of energy needed to keep pushing you forward through the night. He makes sure you are awake, he helps you when you need it and makes you work not because you need to work because with his energy, his enthusiasm he makes you want to keep working.

The Sis, she has not been seen for a while but it’s always a funny scene when she does. Being my actual sister, the interaction we have is funny to others more than us. Grumbling and moaning about our lives with our own little interpretation of things. Laughing at each other’s misfortunes and cursing the others when they are laughing at us, however she is my sister and I would not replace her with another. (I do have another but she is not yet at uni, YET)

There are so many more that I would not finish writing come tomorrow night, however this is the end of my procrastination and the start of my all nighter.

Control

You can feel,
You can speak,
You can move,
You can think,

but your body
it does not care
does not listen
it acts

it does things
it does not
listen,
or respond.

pain
meaningless
commands
ignored

trapped inside
your own
body,
a shell of pain.

A Story of an Angel.

They fly in,
blinding white
pure
simple,

time passes
dusk comes
what was white,
becomes grey.

the story slows,
the end,
it looms
closer,

however,
the
memories,
of those,

white wings,
that singing chorus,
the love,
the passion.

Desire
confusion
take place,
what once was

is no more
only darkness
loneliness,
sadness.

Yet a light,
looms,
far in the distance,
is it hope?

Small little things...

You know those small things that you do without realising until someone tells you; ‘Hey, dude, did you know you do that?’ It’s when you realise you have a quirk; a particular movement, something that defines you from others.

Then you get to meet people, to interact with people, and you get specific things, actions, ways of communication with these people that no one else can understand but them. Talking in a specific manner, reacting in the same way, joking, laughing and talking, always talking. Something that makes you feel like you belong.

Belong to where, though? Belong to the group, belong with the other person or people? What happens when these people stop being in your life, what happens when your actions are not received by anyone, understood by anyone? What happens when you are alone, in your bubble because the people in it are there no more?

You push yourself into someone else’s bubble and you try to make sense of what’s happening, but this does not always work as well as you wish it to because you cannot become part of other bubbles, you build these hypothetical bubbles with others from fresh.

This is when you spend days on end desperately trying to form a contact, a bond that will remind you, fill the space that the old bond has left so that once more the cycle starts and you get to have small things that a selected few will laugh at and understand while the rest of the world stares in wonder and incomprehension.

The Purple Umbrella

Random things seem to keep happening, on the university campus. The place is truly turning to be more then just a place for learning intellectually but as more time passes. A place where I keep discovering small things or noticing things which before would have gone unnoticed.

Recently, while on one of the many procrastination breaks, I do not smoke, so I can not call the break a smoke break or a breather as many do. However, I do hang out in the quad talking to people about how hard our courses are while we spend half the time we should be studying complaining and then compensating by staying up late and trying to catch up on the work lost. A fellow procrastinator who was busy eating a bag of M&M's offered me some and thus became known in my little world of Alex as the M&M's Lady. I was in a very pissy mood so I am afraid I was very rude, while accepting the free chocolate (*I think I should be putting a small disclaimer here not sure about the rules but here goes, OTHER BRANDS AND COMPANIES ARE available [again not always on campus with the bloody machines taunting you about which you can or cannot have according to their bloody whimsical mood.])

Tangented a bit there sorry for that, back to M&M's lady, this was a while back and since then I have been thinking of ways to apologise to her about my rude attitude to her generous act of kindness. So today the opportunity arose and I tried to apologise, and after talking to her for five minutes (walking to one of the dispensers, which again sometimes make me believe are animated). I found out we had met a rather long time ago, I am to believe around 7-8 years. On one of the most influential events in my life, my first ever live in. After talking about this for more the half an hour, I out of the fact that I have an exam in eight hours. Begged my leave and it started raining, just my luck.

Or was it, M&M's lady, kindly offered me her purple umbrella which, I used on my way home, partly as a fashionable item, partly holding back the trickling rain which could potentially have turned into a down pour at a moments notice.

Again, sharing with you one random moment in my life, not such big deal. However this for me was a moment of joy, for the simple fact it was like finding a long lost friend,*note she is a long lost friend* but the interesting fact is if it was not for those M&M's which she offered me out of a purely random act of kindness and empathy for the stress of exams. We would not have realised we had known each other and would have kept going and practically living in the university common room area studying merely meters way and not have got into contact.

That reminds me, I still have not apologised for the rude behaviour I showed on accepting those M&M's back a few days. Something that is still on my to do list I would guess.